Trump Launches “Operation Loompaland”: A Visionary Ethnic Repatriation Effort for the Orange-Skinned
In a misty haze of Cheeto dust and executive overreach, President Donald Trump unveiled Operation Loompaland, a bold, legally questionable mission to repatriate all orange-skinned Oompa Loompas to their “ancestral homeland”—a place that, while fictional, “has great vibes,” according to sources close to the President like Bill Maher.
“They're tremendous people. So orange. I’ve always loved them. Their skin... their shade... it speaks to me,” Trump said, dabbing a tear from the edge of his bronzer. “People don’t talk about this, but no president—no one—has loved the Oompa Loompas like I do. Lincoln didn’t. Obama definitely didn’t. I mean, he was basically the opposite shade.”
According to the plan, Oompa Loompas will be repatriated to Loompaland, which Trump described as “a lush, war-torn paradise where they can finally live free—by fighting endless battles against Loompas of a slightly darker tangerine hue.”
The move, Trump insisted, would both protect Oompa Loompa heritage and serve as “a job creation program” by militarizing them against their “auburn-skinned cousins who stole the good cocoa beans.”
JD Vance, recently to the lead the newest government-funding, cost saving initiative Heritage and Story-Based Ethnic Affairs, praised the plan. “These are the salt-of-the-earth Loompas,” he said while holding up a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory like it was the Constitution. “They built this country’s musical labor force with nothing but rhymes and rhythm. My mamaw would've loved ‘em if she hadn't hated color so much.”
Vance went on to claim that sending Oompa Loompas into unwinnable foreign wars was “the best way to honor their values,” adding, “By weaponizing their loyalty and sacrificing them endlessly, we’re ensuring they remain inspirational martyrs for children’s songs—which is why everyone resents them—which is why they need our protection.”
Indeed, early reports indicate the global public’s opinion of Oompa Loompas has already plummeted. Former fans now view them not as whimsical factory workers, but as orange-skinned avatars of imperial violence with excellent choreography.
“They’ve been oppressed,” Trump continued, holding up a Crayola crayon labeled “burnt orange” as visual evidence. “These darker Loompas are trying to erase the original orange culture. And frankly, it’s not okay. It’s woke. It’s reverse tanning.”
Critics were quick to point out that Loompaland is a fictional nation from a children’s book and that forcibly relocating anyone based on skin tone is not only unconstitutional but deeply genocidal.
Trump responded with typical grace: “You’re fake news. Probably Antifa. Maybe even a less-orange Loompa in disguise.”
When asked why Elon Musk was tweeting in support of the plan with the hashtag #LoompaLiberation, Trump beamed: “Elon gets it. He’s got an underground tunnel for them. Free shipping. And some of them might even work at SpaceX now—because their hands are small and they don't unionize.”
The relocation effort is set to be funded entirely with Bitcoin mined in the Oval Office by a hamster running on a wheel connected to Rudy Giuliani’s phone charger.
Critics were quick to call the policy “ethno-nationalist fan fiction” and “the dumbest genocide adjacent project since the War on Christmas.” When pressed about these concerns, Trump blinked slowly, then whispered, “Willy Wonka was a globalist. I’m the real chocolatier now.”
