Steve Bannon Attacks Tesla Dealership After Failing to Inspire Even One Militia Guy
TOPEKA, KANSAS — In what experts are calling “the most pathetic act of radicalization since Kanye’s brief Orthodox Christian phase,” Steve Bannon attempted to reignite his relevance Monday by throwing a brick through the window of a Tesla dealership.
“I built this movement,” Bannon reportedly shouted at no one, his face beet-red and sweaty from the effort of both moral outrage and walking uphill from the parking lot. “And now it's all Elon! Elon this, Elon that! The man’s from South Africa and you trust him with Western civilization?!”
Surveillance footage shows Bannon scrawling “NO TECH GODS” on the brick with a Sharpie before hurling it weakly, where it bounced off the shatterproof glass and landed on a floor mat labeled “Model Y — Patriot Edition.”
The act appears to have been a last-ditch attempt by Bannon to win back the attention of the very online far-right, who have largely abandoned him for shinier fascists with better UX design and worse accents.
“He’s just not relevant anymore,” said Gunther “WolfDad1488” Simmons, former Proud Boy and current assistant manager at a Bass Pro Shop in Tulsa. “I mean, I still respect what he used to stand for, but now he’s just angry at the wrong billionaires.”
According to sources, Bannon had tried all weekend to assemble a crew for an “anti-tech nationalist protest,” but the only attendees were a guy named Craig from a Telegram group and a man in a Rascal scooter holding a sign that read, “Make Men Chariot Again.”
“I laid the groundwork,” Bannon fumed later on his podcast, which now airs exclusively in the backseat of an Uber that won’t stop. “I talked about the immigrant threat. I gave them blood and soil. And now what? Elon Musk is the messiah of the new right because he tweets like a libertarian with a TBI?”
Bannon is reportedly incensed that Musk—an immigrant billionaire with globalist tendencies, questionable hair, and a massive carbon footprint—has become the de facto voice of populist tech-fascism.
“Elon doesn’t even pretend to read Julius Evola,” Bannon snarled, sipping from a Yeti mug labeled CHAOS GOBLIN. “And yet he gets to host presidential Twitter spaces while I get banned from Olive Garden for talking about race war in the breadstick aisle?”
Sources close to Bannon say he had initially planned a more “symbolic act of resistance,” such as releasing a limited-run NFT of Mussolini, but opted for the brick when he realized no one had covered his last ten press releases.
“Everyone's too busy livestreaming their own downfall,” Bannon complained later on his podcast, now broadcast from an uninsulated garage in Indiana. “They don’t read Revolt Against the Modern World anymore—they read memes. Pepe memes. They’re not even esoteric.”
One former ally, who asked to remain anonymous, said Bannon was suffering from “chronic fascist burnout.”
“He used to dream of marching armies. Now he’s just yelling at electric cars and getting banned from militia Reddit for calling Elon Musk ‘Zion’s Cyborg.’ It’s sad.”
In a final flourish of defiance, Bannon claimed the act was “symbolic” and “a message to the techno-authoritarians,” before being politely escorted from the dealership by two security guards and a self-driving security drone named Ben Shapiro-9000.
