Stephen Miller Complains Domestic Workers Demand Better Treatment Than His Dogs—Now Considers Calling Kristi Noem to Shoot Them
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House advisor and pale cryptid Stephen Miller is speaking out against what he calls a “growing sense of entitlement” among domestic workers, many of whom now have the audacity to expect “basic human dignity, or at least better treatment than my dogs.”
Stephen Miller tearfully addressed a group of sympathetic Heritage Foundation interns today, lamenting the “crushing burden” of trying to afford undocumented labor to clean his rented duplex, all while surviving on the modest spoils of a government salary and conservative speaking fees.
“It’s just not sustainable,” Miller said, dabbing his eyes with a monogrammed ICE handkerchief. “How am I, a simple man living off six figures and a dark-money-funded think tank stipend, supposed to afford someone to dust my Reagan commemorative plates without resorting to the very migrants I’ve worked so hard to dehumanize?”
“Look, I feed my dogs the highest-quality raw elk meat and give them orthopedic beds lined with Confederate flag fleece,” Miller told a sympathetic Fox Nation audience. “And yet, the woman I hired to clean the mildew off my marble Andrew Jackson bust demanded a lunch break. Can you believe that?”
Miller, who once argued that compassion has no place in immigration policy, is now distraught that the consequences of his worldview have reached inside his own fortress of solitude (colonial revival with a splash of blood ritual chic).
“I never thought I’d say this,” he sighed, “but ever since ICE deported my last housekeeper, the cobwebs have unionized.”
According to Miller, his attempts to hire new help have been stymied by unreasonable expectations.
“They want things like ‘air conditioning,’ ‘minimum wage,’ and in some cases—I swear this is real—to not be referred to as ‘beast.’ Like I’m the crazy one for saying, ‘If my Doberman doesn’t need hazard pay to patrol the basement, why do you?’”
Sources close to Miller say he’s become increasingly frustrated with how “pampered” American-born workers can be.
“One of them asked me not to yell directly in her face,” he said, incredulous. “I was like, ma’am, if my Labradoodle can handle firm vocal tones, so can you. That’s just discipline.”
Miller insists he’s not against immigrants—just the kind that "get ideas."
“I miss the old days,” he said. “When people came to this country to work 12 hours in silence and thank you afterward. Now they’ve got podcasts and boundaries.”
The former aide, now working as a full-time resentment consultant, claims his only remaining option is to train his dogs to clean the house.
“It’s fine,” he muttered while slipping his Chihuahua into a tiny maid uniform. “They’re loyal, they don’t unionize, and they’ve never once asked for a weekend off to go visit their abuela.”
“In this economy, you have to make tough choices,” Miller told a panel of horrified yet intrigued CPAC donors. “Do I pay $30 an hour to some so-called ‘American worker’ who wants lunch breaks and eye contact, or do I make the fiscally responsible decision and call Kristi Noem to humanely... retire my security dogs?”
Miller claims he tried cutting costs by walking the dogs himself, but “the optics of that are terrible—I look like I’m pandering to coastal elites.” His last resort, he says, was asking his new cleaner—an American-born single mom—to take them for walks.
“She said she didn’t want to be around animals that have more beds than she does,” Miller muttered. “Typical.”
Miller, who once authored policies separating migrant children from their families, now says he feels separated from the support system he needs most.
“I can’t find a reliable undocumented worker, I can’t afford a legal one, and now I can’t even guilt-trip the interns at the Claremont Institute into vacuuming my taxidermy room.”
Meanwhile, Kristi Noem’s office released a short statement in response: “Secretary Noem would be honored to assist Mr. Miller in any dog-related fiscal responsibility efforts. Discount rates for more than two pets.”
