Mike Johnson Cuts Medicaid to Make Room for JesusCare
In a rapturous press conference held beneath a 700-foot inflatable cross and a rotating gold eagle, Speaker Mike Johnson triumphantly announced a bold new healthcare strategy: eliminating Medicaid so that Jesus would finally “get off the sidelines and start healing people again.”
“For too long, Americans have relied on government handouts instead of divine hand-layings,” Johnson declared, eyes shining with spiritual deregulation. “We are hereby canceling Medicaid to create a miracle-based economy. Let the blind see, the lame walk, and the uninsured pay out-of-pocket no more—because they’ll be healed by faith, not funded by taxes.”
The legislation, titled “The Lazarus Act,” redirects all Medicaid funding to tax breaks for megachurches that install baptismal MRI machines and offer “Buy One Prayer, Get One Healing Free” vouchers. Critics have called the plan reckless, but Johnson insists the Lord told him it was time for “market-based miracles.”
“This is about freedom,” said Johnson. “The freedom to die waiting for Jesus to show up. That’s the American way.”
The plan includes a new federal app—MyJesusPortal—where citizens can request miraculous healings via prayer tickets. The app uses AI to sort ailments into two categories: “Worthy of Divine Intervention” and “Suffering Builds Character.”
During a Q&A, Johnson reassured a concerned mother of three with cancer that “Jesus would absolutely get around to it,” adding that anyone still feeling sick after 30 days could submit a complaint form directly into a burning bush.
Evangelical stock soared after the announcement, with televangelist Jim Prophetson calling it “the most Biblically sound healthcare plan since snake handling.” Meanwhile, hospitals have begun replacing doctors with robed volunteers holding loaves, fishes, and an iPad with Hebrews 11 open.
Democrats attempted to counter with a “Common Sense Healthcare Act,” but it was struck down after failing the Pharisee Purity Test. When asked what would happen if Jesus didn’t return in time, Johnson smiled.
“That’s just a test of your faith. And if you die? Even better—you’ll meet Him sooner.”
