Kristi Noem Declares Victory Over Crime After Deporting 35% of Population to Global Prisons Paid in Bitcoin
In a jubilant press conference held inside a high-security bunker repurposed from a former Cheesecake Factory, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem declared the United States officially “safer than ever,” citing a dramatic drop in total crime—after forcibly relocating 35% of the population to offshore prisons operated by multinational security firms and paid for entirely in Bitcoin.
“Crime is down because criminals are down,” Noem said triumphantly, clicking a remote to display a PowerPoint slide reading simply: We Did It, Patriots.
The detainees—now known officially as “Globally Distributed Safety Contributors”—are being housed in correctional facilities scattered from the Siberian tundra to cargo ships in international waters. Asked about concerns of due process, Noem clarified, “They’re free to leave whenever they can swim back.”
A journalist from The Chronicle of Public Accountability cautiously pointed out that while the total number of crimes had decreased due to population shrinkage, the crime rate—defined as crime per remaining citizen—had actually risen. Noem narrowed her eyes and declared, “Sounds like terrorist math.”
“Why do you hate freedom?” she added, motioning to security to "kindly audit" the reporter’s family tree.
When pressed further, Noem denied any association with the prison contracting firm, LibertyCuffs Global, despite public records showing it is owned by her longtime donor and recently convicted crypto-fraudster, Buck “PatriotCoin” McGraw. “I don’t work for convicted felons,” she said. “They work for me. Or they will, once their sentencing comes through.”
Critics have raised concerns about using volatile cryptocurrency to fund international detention sites, but Noem brushed these off. “Bitcoin is the most secure way to pay for opaque authoritarian infrastructure. Just ask Elon—he mined half the cells himself with a flamethrower and a dream.”
In closing, Noem assured the nation: “We’ve finally figured out the secret to public safety: fewer people, more prisons, and no questions.”
Standing in front of a wall of mugshots printed on NFTs, Noem declared, “You can’t have crime when all the criminals are in other hemispheres.” She failed to mention that many of the “criminals” were arrested for offenses like posting a spicy meme or having an overdue library book.
A journalist at the briefing questioned whether mass deportations had merely skewed the data, noting that the crime rate had actually gone up relative to the now-shrunken citizen base. Noem calmly sipped from a “#JusticeCoin” mug and asked, “Have you ever been audited by a drone before?”
Asked why Donald Trump—the convicted felon she works for—remains free, Noem scoffed, “He’s not a criminal. He’s a political prisoner with excellent taste in golf courses.”
She doubled down: “Look, if I put every convicted felon in prison, I’d be out of a job and a campaign endorsement.”
