JD Vance Brags About COVID Diagnosis, Travels to Vatican Anyway to 'Own the Libs'
VATICAN CITY — Vice President JD Vance caused international concern and domestic confusion this week after proudly announcing that he had tested positive for COVID-19—and would be attending a scheduled meeting with the Pope anyway, in what he described as “a victory lap for personal freedom and air travel.”
“I’m not going to let a little thing like contagious illness stop me from doing God’s work and posting the selfies to prove it,” Vance said on a livestream filmed from the airport lounge, mask around his chin, holding a smoothie labeled ‘IMMUNITY BLAST.’
“Real Americans don’t cower in quarantine. They cough their truth,” he added, before high-fiving a priest who later had to be escorted out by medics.
In Rome, Vance was seen confidently striding into the papal chamber, flanked by aides carrying a custom banner that read: “Natural Immunity Is My Foreign Policy.”
“Some people think COVID is a reason to stay home. I think it’s a reason to double down on travel. The virus is global—so my brand needs to be too.”
When asked if he considered canceling, Vance scoffed. “Cancel culture doesn’t apply to spiritual awakenings.”
The Pope, already suffering from multiple health issues and what aides described as “visibly alarmed facial expressions,” attempted to elbow bump Vance, who instead went in for a full embrace and whispered, “This is how we heal in Ohio.”
Later that day, RFK Jr. posted on social media to congratulate Vance for his “courageous disregard for conventional immune systems,” adding that the Pope was likely “energetically realigned by the viral encounter.”
He then promoted a new supplement called PapalPurify™, which he claims contains holy basil, silver nanoparticles, and “the quantum memory of herd immunity.”
“Look, I respect the Pope—he’s one of the top-tier religious figures,” Vance told reporters while visibly sweating and using the communion wafers as cough suppressants. “But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get the kind of photo that says, ‘I care about people.’”
