James Carville, Defends Meltdown on CNN Panel: “Democracy Dies When You Expect Results!”
Washington, D.C. — Longtime political consultant and swamp mascot James Carville launched into a furious tirade Thursday evening after learning that a growing number of American voters “actually expect their elected officials to do stuff now.”
Clutching a sweating bourbon glass and half a ribeye at a Georgetown power steakhouse, Carville reportedly stood up mid-meal and berated a nearby table of staffers from a progressive think tank. “These kids today think politics is about offering alternatives for voters to choose between." He shrieked, slamming a podium made entirely of expired FEC filings.
“I’ve been in this game longer than you’ve been alive,” Carville bellowed, veins in his forehead forming a map of Louisiana. “The point of politics ain’t results, it’s vibes. You show up on Bill Maher, you host a fundraiser with lobster sliders, and maybe you drop a folksy one-liner about ferrets in a hurricane. That’s the job!”
Sources say Carville grew particularly distressed after hearing voters in Michigan wanted their representative to “pass laws that built more affordable housing” instead of “just do quirky podcasts and retweet The Lincoln Project.”
“Politics ain’t about helpin’ people,” he rasped, bones creaking as he adjusted his red suspenders. “It’s about showmanship! You think FDR won four terms because of policy? No, baby! It was the fireside aesthetic!”
The panel grew tense as Carville leaned into the camera, his eyeballs nearly rolling out of their sockets. “Let me ask y’all somethin’,” he hissed, voice shrill with Southern decay. “Would you rather a senator fix the water system in Flint, or drop a zinger on ‘Meet the Press’ that gets a standing ovation in the Hamptons?”
When anchor Abby Petterson gently questioned whether people might want both, Carville emitted a high-pitched shriek and slammed his bony hand on the desk.
“You naïve little fern! You don’t understand the sacred pact between politicians and consultants! We raise money, we go on TV, we lose narrowly, we blame student activists, and we retire to a vineyard. That’s the CYCLE!”
“Competing in elections? Against my people? That’s disrespectful to democracy,” Carville barked during a guest lecture at LSU titled “How to Lose Graciously and Still Get Paid.”
Cackling through clenched dentures, Carville accused grassroots challengers of “hurting the party by participating in it.”
When one student asked if elections weren’t supposed to be competitive, Carville's face contorted like a haunted Mardi Gras mask. “That’s some real civics-class BULL right there. You ever try to raise $15 million from wine lobbyists? It’s hard! And now you want to primary my drinking buddy from Delaware just because he voted for six wars and a hedge fund tax break?”
“We just can’t afford to cancel student loans,” Carville growled, his skin translucent under the studio lights, revealing a glowing map of Super Tuesday states beneath. “We need to be serious about the deficit. And by serious, I mean funneling millions into high-level brunch strategy and tactical yard signs that won't offend David Brooks.”
Carville then turned to camera and delivered his signature cackle:
“You may be drowning in interest payments and climate anxiety, but I need a new porch on my Gulf Coast house and my best friend Terry needs a fellowship at Harvard for his ‘Campaign Slogans That Don’t Say Anything’ initiative!”
When a student activist asked how the government could cancel billions in corporate debt but not student loans, Carville's eyes turned black like a shark’s.
“Because corporations don’t tweet at me,” he hissed.
Later that evening, he was seen leaving a fundraiser hosted by private equity executives where donors were given branded tote bags that read: “Democracy is About Access—To Me.”
