Elon Musk Checks Into Rehab for Long-Standing Addiction to Public Subsidies
Elon Musk, government-funded adrenaline junkie, has finally entered rehab for what experts call a “highly advanced form of corporate codependency.”
In the year 2025, building a single-lane tunnel with Teslas crawling through it is enough to get you labeled a genius, provided you’re Elon Musk and receive $1,232,473,039 in government subsidies and never works.
Asked what innovation he brings to tunneling, Musk replied, “Have you considered that it’s me doing it?”
A city official called the tunnel “the future of transit,” moments before being stuck in it for 45 minutes behind a malfunctioning Model Y.
Rehab staff say Musk’s withdrawal has been difficult. “He keeps yelling about Martian tax incentives in his sleep,” one nurse said.
The Tesla founder reportedly demanded the clinic issue him carbon credits for every therapy session completed. When told that’s not how rehab works, he tried to buy the facility, fire the staff, and install a Hyperloop.
According to insiders, Musk’s dependency began with “just a little” Department of Energy loan for Tesla, but quickly escalated to massive contracts from NASA, billions in EV incentives, and an entire state of Texas begging him to build things on land that once belonged to a tortoise.
“I thought I could handle it,” Musk said, voice trembling. “A few hundred million here, a billion there—suddenly I’m jonesing for a new green energy loophole just to make it through brunch.”
The intervention came after Musk was caught behind a Nevada warehouse, muttering “free market” while injecting himself with a syringe full of lithium from his government funded mines in Argentina. His closest friends—RFK Jr, a dogecoin miner, and a sentient Tesla chatbot named Greg—staged the intervention after he tried to charge the resulting legal fees to the Pentagon.
In group therapy, Musk reportedly introduced himself by saying, “Hi, I’m Elon, and I’ve been enabled by every level of government since the Bush administration.”
He then wept quietly into a napkin made of repurposed space parachutes paid for by China.
The rehab program includes:
- Detox from federal research grants by spending 24 hours in a room with no access to DARPA.
- Daily affirmations like “I am enough without a military contract” and “Private industry means private funding.”
- Roleplaying exercises where Elon must pitch an idea to investors without invoking Mars.
In a tweet drafted mid-relapse, Musk said, “I just need one more EV subsidy and I can quit forever.”
The billionaire admitted to chasing the rush of federal grants, green energy incentives, and military contracts. “Every time I said ‘free market,’ someone handed me another $500 million. It was euphoric.”
The final straw came when he tried to fund his next rocket launch using a school lunch program in Iowa. “That’s when I knew I’d hit rock bottom,” Musk said, tears glistening under the flicker of a Ukrainian-funded SpaceX monitor.
As Musk enters rehab to recover from his dependency on public subsidies, a surprising figure was spotted helping him into the clinic: Vice President JD Vance.
Sources close to the two say their bond began in the Senate cloakroom over a shared love of coal-themed metaphors and emotional stuntedness. It blossomed into something deeper when Vance slid Musk a note that read, “You ever feel like you're only loved for your government contracts?”
Now the pair are reportedly healing together—Musk from his endless pursuit of grants, Vance from pretending to be poor—and learning to build a relationship based on mutual grift, racist memes, and emotional vulnerability.
One aide said, “It’s beautiful, really. Two men finally learning that maybe you don’t need to extract federal wealth from orphans to be seen. Maybe you just need to be held.”
The White House responded by mailing him a blank check and a thank-you note.
