DOGE to Begin Deleting Surplus Social Security Numbers to Save $6,473 on Cloud Storage Costs
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced its latest cost-saving measure this week: deleting surplus Social Security numbers to shave $6,473 off its annual cloud storage bill. The plan was immediately endorsed by DOGE’s honorary chair and self-declared technoking, Elon Musk, who called the presence of “extra” Social Security numbers “the greatest scam since lettuce spinners.”
DOGE, meanwhile, released a celebratory memo stating that the deletion operation was the result of “months of precision audit work” by a newly hired government task force. That task force reportedly cost $4,782,263 to fund, but officials insisted the program paid for itself. The entire staff was compensated with the Jordan sneakers seized from “Operation Liberty Export,” a controversial initiative that deported thousands of US Citizens with unpaid parking tickets to offshore “freedom zones” that no one has returned from.
In a follow-up post on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning website), he proposed extending the deletion policy to the Social Security numbers of “any woman who refused the honor of bearing my genetically elite children.”
Originally focused on IDs belonging to citizens aged 69 and older, the purge has quietly expanded to “people with didn't retweet him fast enough,” "buy dogecoin," and now, according to a leaked memo, “anyone who paused before saying they liked The Boring Company.”
When asked by a reporter whether women were being targeted for declining to sleep with him, Musk scoffed.
“Sex? That’s such a carbon-based concept. I don’t even have time for that anymore. I’ve evolved. My new pleasure centers are activated when orphans are denied Social Security benefits. There’s something so pure about watching a child realize the safety net is just decorative.”
Sources say Musk discovered this new kink after accidentally opening a PDF of rejected benefits claims instead of a Tesla earnings report. He reportedly called the experience “better than a thousand Neuralinks firing at once.”
