Bill Kristol, David Brooks, and Bret Stephens Torch Tesla Dealership in Centrist Rage Spiral, Blame Oberlin Student Op-Ed
Bethesda, MD — In what began as a heated group text titled "Polite Society Has Collapsed", three of America’s most committed apostles of civility—Bill Kristol, David Brooks, and Bret Stephens—set fire to a Tesla dealership last night in what they’re calling a “reasoned act of balanced fury against extremism on all sides, including but not limited to Elon Musk, Oberlin College sophomores, and feelings of regret.”
“We didn’t want it to come to this,” Kristol said, sipping a lukewarm kombucha in front of a smoldering Model S. “But the real threat to democracy isn’t just fascist billionaires—it’s also the editorial board of The Wesleyan Argus, which recently published a letter criticizing capitalism without citing Adam Smith.”
The trio—clad in fleece vests and moral anguish—insist their violence was justified, drawing on their decades of experience misidentifying the biggest threat in the room. “Elon Musk may be creating an AI-powered surveillance state,” said Stephens, “but let’s not forget that a student in Vermont just tweeted that landlords are parasites. Both sides are eroding our civic fabric.”
Witnesses say the three men attempted to hand out pre-printed moral frameworks before the arson, including a flowchart titled “How to Blame Both the Fascists and the Gender Studies Majors” and a pamphlet “Yes, Elon’s a Tyrant, But Have You Considered Tone?”
As the fire spread, Brooks wept gently. “I believed in the marketplace of ideas,” he said. “But now the only marketplace left is Tesla, and even they won’t let me finish a sentence without accusing me of being ‘too NPR.’ What choice did we have?”
Sources confirm the group originally planned to protest by writing a deeply introspective joint column called “When Moderates Must Burn Things Too”, but pivoted to firebombing after a 19-year-old campus activist called their previous work “mid.”
Kristol, for his part, maintains this isn’t hypocrisy. “Sure, I once believed money signaled virtue. But then Elon Musk bought Twitter, made it uninhabitable, and tweeted something snide about the Brookings Institution. He has crossed a line. Also, the service center scratched my steering wheel.”
When asked whether they saw any difference between a billionaire tech demagogue and a college freshman writing manifestos on Tumblr, Stephens grew indignant. “Why are you minimizing this? The Tumblr post had italics. Italics, for God’s sake.”
The group’s next targets reportedly include a Chik-Fil-A for being “too dogmatic,” and a used bookstore where a clerk once scoffed at Brooks for buying a Jordan Peterson audiobook on cassette.
As of press time, all three men had turned themselves in, but only under the condition that their booking photo be taken in black-and-white and used as the cover for their upcoming Substack, “Radical Nuance.”
