Bethesda, MD — In what began as a heated group text titled "Polite Society Has Collapsed", three of America’s most committed apostles of civility—Bill Kristol, David Brooks, and Bret Stephens—set fire to a Tesla dealership last night in what they’re calling a “reasoned act of
Washington, D.C. — In an inspiring moment of personal growth, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced during Monday’s briefing that she has finally overcome the toxic, self-imposed belief that she must, at any point, be honest with the American public. “I used to think transparency was important,” Leavitt
TOPEKA, KANSAS — In what experts are calling “the most pathetic act of radicalization since Kanye’s brief Orthodox Christian phase,” Steve Bannon attempted to reignite his relevance Monday by throwing a brick through the window of a Tesla dealership. “I built this movement,” Bannon reportedly shouted at no one, his
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a sharp turn that left Beltway pundits blinking like un-updated iPhones, Vice President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced that she’s finally ready to “get tough on crime”—starting with a very specific type: the kind where you try to overthrow the government and later install a convicted
In a rapturous press conference held beneath a 700-foot inflatable cross and a rotating gold eagle, Speaker Mike Johnson triumphantly announced a bold new healthcare strategy: eliminating Medicaid so that Jesus would finally “get off the sidelines and start healing people again.” “For too long, Americans have relied on government
The BioLiberty Freedom Forum, held inside a decommissioned missile silo and sponsored by Neuralink and the Ghost of Joe Rogan’s Career, descended into chaos Friday when Robert F. Kennedy Jr. cornered Elon Musk during a panel titled “Neurodiversity or New World Order?” “You’ll never truly amount to anything,
In a dazzling yet oddly angular ceremony this weekend, former Attorney General Pam Bondi made headlines once again — this time not for defending her right to torture kidnapped fathers in a concentration camp, but for saying “I do” to none other than a gleaming Tesla Cybertruck. The union, held in
President Herod sat slouched in his titanium chair, his jowls quivering with every frustrated exhale. Once a charismatic populist with fiery speeches and perfectly coiffed hair, he now resembled a wax figure melting under the fluorescent glare of his own ambition. He slammed a fist against the armrest. “Chad!” he