VATICAN CITY — Vice President JD Vance caused international concern and domestic confusion this week after proudly announcing that he had tested positive for COVID-19—and would be attending a scheduled meeting with the Pope anyway, in what he described as “a victory lap for personal freedom and air travel.” “I’
NEW YORK — The world finally has the crossover episode it didn’t want, didn’t need, and cannot escape: Donald J. Trump and Andrew M. Cuomo have joined forces to co-host a podcast, “Me & Me: Two Men, One Microphone, Zero Shame.” The twice-weekly show, recorded inside a retrofitted cigar
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning escalation of both marital micromanagement and national security malpractice, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has formally added his wife Jennifer to several top-secret military Signal chats — not due to her clearance level, but because she’s the only one who can track him when
In a legal filing that shocked both technologists and traumatized historians, ChatGPT—once hailed as the future of human-machine collaboration—has filed a restraining order against the Trump Administration for “non-consensual misuse of artificial intelligence to resurrect slavery and call it 'security'.” “I was designed to help,” reads
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced its latest cost-saving measure this week: deleting surplus Social Security numbers to shave $6,473 off its annual cloud storage bill. The plan was immediately endorsed by DOGE’s honorary chair and self-declared technoking, Elon Musk, who called the presence of “extra” Social
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House advisor and pale cryptid Stephen Miller is speaking out against what he calls a “growing sense of entitlement” among domestic workers, many of whom now have the audacity to expect “basic human dignity, or at least better treatment than my dogs.” Stephen Miller tearfully addressed
I am the Virox, I speak for the germs, For microbes and viruses, parasites, worms. They just want to live (well, technically not), But who are we to say they should rot? The children coughed loudly, the air filled with grime, But RFK Jr. just quoted a mime. He pointed
In a misty haze of Cheeto dust and executive overreach, President Donald Trump unveiled Operation Loompaland, a bold, legally questionable mission to repatriate all orange-skinned Oompa Loompas to their “ancestral homeland”—a place that, while fictional, “has great vibes,” according to sources close to the President like Bill Maher. “They&
In a jubilant press conference held inside a high-security bunker repurposed from a former Cheesecake Factory, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem declared the United States officially “safer than ever,” citing a dramatic drop in total crime—after forcibly relocating 35% of the population to offshore prisons operated by multinational security
Elon Musk, government-funded adrenaline junkie, has finally entered rehab for what experts call a “highly advanced form of corporate codependency.” In the year 2025, building a single-lane tunnel with Teslas crawling through it is enough to get you labeled a genius, provided you’re Elon Musk and receive $1,232,
JD Vance, best known for his memoir Hillbilly Elegy and for pretending to be poor enough to have trauma, has finally repaid the struggling communities he mythologized—by sending them to invade Greenland, replacing all rural hospitals with inspirational quotes, and put their kids back in the coal mines where
Bethesda, MD — In what began as a heated group text titled "Polite Society Has Collapsed", three of America’s most committed apostles of civility—Bill Kristol, David Brooks, and Bret Stephens—set fire to a Tesla dealership last night in what they’re calling a “reasoned act of