AOC Gets Tough on Crime - But Only the Coup Kind
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a sharp turn that left Beltway pundits blinking like un-updated iPhones, Vice President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced that she’s finally ready to “get tough on crime”—starting with a very specific type: the kind where you try to overthrow the government and later install a convicted felon as President.
“People keep saying I’m soft on crime,” AOC began, wearing a blazer that screamed respectable but make it revolutionary. “Fine. Let’s start with the worst crime of all: attempting a coup so incompetent it somehow worked years later.”
Flanked by constitutional lawyers and an emotional support pug named “Solidarity,” the Vice President clarified that she was not interested in mass arrests.
“This isn’t a witch hunt,” she assured. “It’s more of a witch pinpoint airstrike.”
Under the new Justice Initiative for Restoring Institutional Legitimacy (JIRIL, pronounced “Gerald”), the administration plans to arrest only the ringleaders of the January 6th insurrection and those who directly facilitated the rise of a now-convicted felon to the presidency.
She was quick to clarify that the initiative would proudly rely on American-made incarceration.
“We will not outsource justice to foreign black sites or shady private contractors,” she declared. “These traitors will be held right here in our homegrown, taxpayer-funded, proudly overcrowded federal prison system.”
“Support American jobs. Support American jails,” she added, to scattered applause and one quiet, conflicted clap from Mitch McConnell’s aide.
“Relax, Uncle Larry,” AOC said into the camera. “You’re safe—unless you were in that hotel war room trying to fax martial law into existence.”
The Vice President clarified the targets: “If you wore a suit, had a burner phone, or ended any sentence with ‘legally, I think we can,’ congratulations—you may be eligible for arrest.”
Pressed by reporters on whether this amounted to political persecution, AOC responded, “You know what’s political persecution? Letting someone stage a coup and then giving him a golf clap for wrecking the economy.”
Former President Biden, appearing via hologram from his Wilmington basement, gave his blessing. “I always said AOC had guts,” he remarked. “And now she’s using them to clean out the septic tank of democracy.”
Reactions were predictably divided. Fox News dubbed her “Castro in Clinique,” while MSNBC released a limited-edition collectible mug with her quote, “Coup leaders deserve consequences.”
Back on Capitol Hill, several prominent lawmakers began nervously deleting Signal chats titled things like “Totally Legal Alternate Electors Group” and “Big Lie, Small Group.”
As for AOC, she ended the press conference with a simple reminder:
“This isn’t about revenge. It’s about accountability. And if you don’t know the difference, maybe lawyer up.”
Developing Story… unless someone unplugs the security camera at the back entrance to the Capitol again.
